Surviving Medical School – Spouse’s Edition
Not my typical type of post, but with the start of a new school year around the corner, I thought I would write about my experience as the spouse of a medical student. Medical School is difficult, taxing, and honestly, quite complex. The whole thing is almost impossible to understand unless you’ve been through it. The process from applying, to interviewing, and then navigating each year and the many obstacles can be exhausting. More often than not, people can sympathize with the stress that students go through. On the other hand, significant others are often forgotten about.
I was ecstatic when my husband, Connor, decided he wanted to attend medical school and become a doctor. I knew that he was pursuing a dream and I was happy to support him no matter what. What I didn’t know was just how time consuming the process would be and how many compromises we would ultimately have to make. I’m glad that we are almost on the other side (year 4 here we come!) and hope to give some insight to those just beginning the process. Keep in mind that everyone will have a different experience, but there are certain difficulties that are universal.
Before I even begin, let me preface this with the fact that medical students have their own lingo. Unless you are in the medical field yourself, your significant other’s use of it will become annoying quickly. I suggest making jokes about it or learning to have selective hearing. For example, medical students refer to themselves as M1-M4 and residents are PGY1 – God knows how many years. PGY stands for ‘Post-Grad Year’ or in other terms, residency.
M1
First year is what I would call drinking from a fire hose. My husband and I did long distance our first year. Although this post will not cover a ton on long distance, feel free to reach out if you have any questions on how to navigate this. I vividly remember Connor calling me during the first week on the verge of a breakdown telling me that he wasn’t cut out to be a doctor. He is now going into his 4th year. You get the point. The first month of medical school is basically like being thrown into a pool and seeing if you’ll sink or swim. Most likely, you’ll end up floating on the surface. Medical school is hard and that’s the point. Regardless, your significant other wouldn’t have been accepted if they weren’t up for the challenge. My advice, just smile and nod (insert consoling words).
The rest of M1 is a rollercoaster. My husband spent a lot of time trying to understand what was expected of him, how to wade through the waters, and who he could study with (quality study partners are IMPORTANT). At the same time, he was trying to stuff as much knowledge into his brain as feasibly possible. Luckily, I was 4 hours away so when I did come (about every other weekend), he made time for me. When I wasn’t there, he threw himself into his studies. This honestly worked super well for us. We scheduled time every night to chat (9-10 pm) and other than that we relied on texts throughout the day. We didn’t always make our nightly discussion, but we prioritized and made a conscious effort to chat almost every day.
Establishing a routine and open communication during this year is important. It might feel shocking to see how little time your significant other has for you. I suggest making new friends (especially with other spouses), getting involved in local groups, and finding a therapist. No joke on the last one.
We were consistent about letting the other one know what our weekly schedule was and when we’d have free time. For example, I knew that during an an exam week, I would hear less from Connor. Just the fact that I knew his schedule and what to expect helped immensely. I repeat, this is NOT to say that it is in anyway easy. Medical school is a full time job and your significant other will spend all day in school and come home to study all night. Undergrad pales in comparison so don’t even try to compare the two.
M2
My favorite year as a spouse. Just kidding, this year was absolute hell and I have banished it to a black hole in my memory. I moved to the town my husband was going to school in at the start of this year and began a long stint in remote work. Doing remote work while living in a new city with someone who is going to medical school is a terrible idea and quite frankly, I was an idiot to take it on. Unfortunately, my firm paid significantly more than the local compensation so it only made sense for me to continue my job. This meant that I not only missed out on making friends with new coworkers in the area, but I spent a significant amount of time in our apartment NOT hanging out with my husband. It was, honestly, incredibly difficult for me.
To start, M2 is the year of Step 1. If you’ve never heard of Step 1, you’re in for a real treat. I was not prepared for the shit show that was Step 1. To put it simply, your performance on Step 1 can make or break your ability to go into a specific medical specialty. Just to save space and time, I recommend googling it. And then after googling it, go to meddit (med reddit) and spend an unhealthy amount of time reading the posts related to Step 1. You’ll probably want to throw up afterwards, but at least you’ll be going in with your eyes wide open.
Step 1, historically, is all consuming for medical students. Beginning as early as October, students will start studying upwards of 14 hours a day for a test in June of the following year. Yes, they continue this unrealistic, soul sucking schedule for 6 months. Luckily, my husband is a procrastinator and didn’t start until the middle of January. Unluckily, this still meant that I was subjected to 5 excruciatingly boring, dull, and altogether hellish months of Where is Connor. Literally, most days I saw him for a maximum of 30 minutes. Mind you, during those 30 minutes he was most likely quizzing himself in his head or thinking about a UWorld question he got wrong.
Either way, it is impossible to have your significant other’s full attention during this time. This is merely fact, but you will get through it. The Step 1 exam will be changing to pass/fail in the near future (which will be amazing for you as a significant other), but for now there will still be scoring so you can guarantee that students will spend every waking hour attempting to score as high as possible on this exam.
My saving grace during this time was getting a puppy. Before I had moved to live full time with Connor, we agreed that we would get a puppy sometime during his time in school. We didn’t agree on exact timing, but right at the beginning of Step 1 studying my husband made the impulsive decision to suggest getting a dog. I was not going to let the opportunity slip away. I spent the majority of my time during this dark period potty training, teaching our puppy proper manners, and going to puppy training. If I hadn’t had this occupying my time, I think I probably would have gone insane.
If you don’t have the means or luxury of getting a dog, find a hobby and throw yourself into it. I bought a camera and rollerblades in addition to getting a dog. Learning photography became second nature for me. I also spent many hours on the trail rollerblading and listening to podcasts. Also, don’t be afraid to plan and take trips without your significant other. Enlist friends to go on a road trip or book a cheap flight somewhere for a solo adventure. Don’t let your vacation go to waste just because your significant other can’t have fun.
M3
Relative to the first 2 years, M3 felt like a walk in the park. Your significant other will begin clinical rotations this year. Depending on what clinical rotation they are in, you may actually see them a normal amount. The clinical rotations during this year consist of surgery, psychiatry/neurology, family medicine, pediatrics, internal medicine, and OB/GYN. Some of these rotations are more time consuming and require call (i.e. surgery and OB/GYN). On the other hand, others are relatively normal and it will feel blissful (psychiatry was amazing for this).
M3 does not come without it’s challenges, but at this point you will feel like a pro. Applying for away rotations begins around the March timeframe. Away rotations are a way for students to “audition” at a residency program and obtain a letter of recommendation. Depending on the speciality that your significant other chooses, these rotations can carry significant weight during the residency interview process. Some students will not need to go through the away rotation process. This all depends on if the school has a residency program for that specialty.
For example, my husband is pursuing a career in Emergency Medicine (EM). Unfortunately, his school does not offer a residency program for EM because it is in a relatively small city compared to most cities that have EM programs. Thus, my husband has to do an away rotation in order to get a SLOE (standardized letter of evaluation – it’s mostly an EM thing) for residency interviewing. The away rotation application process is facilitated through a website called VSAS and there is no standard application. Each program dictates what you must provide and has different guidelines outlined on VSAS. Not all programs use VSAS, but it is safe to say about 90% do.
If the speciality your significant other is going into is more competitive (Dermatology, Orthopedics, Ophthalmology), multiple away rotations are important to allow for a stronger residency application. Hopefully, a pandemic will not hit during this process as it did for us. For 2020, a vast majority of programs have cancelled their away rotations. What I’ve learned is that medical school can be even MORE stressful than it appears when unexpected circumstances hit. Navigating a pandemic during this process is an “adventure.”
Other than away rotations, M3 is also the year of Step 2. Yes, there is another step exam. Step 2 is a comprehensive exam covering material from all the clinical rotations during M3. Most students will not study as aggressively as they did for Step 1, but it is still necessary to score decently well on this exam. Due to shelf exams (exams taken at the end of each rotation), most students will be decently prepared already as they will have studied all year for the material covered. That being said, there is still a period of about 2 months where studying may increase to about 10+ hours a day. At this point, it’s all par for the course and you will handle it just fine.
M4
Although we are just heading into Connor’s last year, I do have some working knowledge of what to expect even though it is not first hand. Below is what to expect:
- Away Rotations (typically July-September timeframe)
- Residency Applications (including another personal statement)
- Residency Interviewing (typically October to January timeframe)
- Program Ranking
- Match
- Graduation
M4 is more relaxed in terms of schooling, although your significant other will still have clinical rotations. Most students get multiple months off to do Residency interviewing. Beware that this process is very costly. If you are able and have the means, save up in advance for hotel/airbnb costs, flights, and food while traveling. Most students go to 10-15 interviews so the amount can add up quickly.
Match occurs in the middle of March. See the link above for a great explanation of how it works. Students find out what residency program they have matched into and then have a few months to get everything in order (i.e. find a place to live).
Graduation takes place at the beginning of May. This is when the party happens. Connor and I have a special bottle of champagne we are saving for graduation day. Even though we don’t like champagne, it makes us feel fancy. You can guarantee I’m mixing it with orange juice. Most residency programs have a start date in June or July so this provides students time to pack, move, and maybe go on a little vacation if they’ve timed things right. You’ve earned it.
Wrap Up
M1: Year of Drinking from a Hose
- Establish a routine
- Make new friends
- Get involved in the community
- Find a therapist
M2: Year of Step 1
- Find new hobbies
- Take some trips
- Get an animal to keep you company 🙂
M3: Year of Clinical Rotations, Away Rotation applications, and Step 2
- Enjoy quality time with your significant other
- Get familiar with away rotations
- SAVE money for M4
M4: Year of Away Rotations, Residency applications and interviewing, Match, and Graduation
- Prepare yourself for a few months away from your partner (Plan a trip, spend time with family and friends, etc.)
- Participate in choosing residency programs to apply to (you will also have to live in this place so you may as well have some say)
- Help rank programs after interview season is over
- Enjoy Match Day
- Celebrate Graduation